Scot's Oats

I hate oatmeal. I don't mean a casual dislike, I mean in a physical gag reflex kind of way. How I hated, the pasty, gooey texture and the tasteless bland flavor that no amount of malt, sugar or milk could disguise. How many times as a kid I dreaded a plate of that being set in front of me while that Quaker leered, mocking from his round cardboard turret.

I've always hated the Quaker, with his wee beady eyes. And that smug look on his face! Oh, you're gonna eat my oatmeal, oooohhhh!

No more.

You know that stuff your mother called oatmeal in the cardboard box? She LIED. What people in this country normally call oatmeal is an abomination called rolled oats. Rolled oats are steamed, smashed, steamed again, flattened, toasted and processed to the point that to call them oats at all is like calling a Pringles a potato. The only thing rolled oats is good for is baiting varmint traps.

What your mom didn't tell you, probably because of the evil Quaker conspiracy, is that, real oatmeal, that is, edible oatmeal, is made from steel-cut oats. Steel-cut oats, or Scotch oats, are whole grain oat kernels, the heart of the oat, cut into only two or three pieces. Oatmeal made with steel-cut oats have a nutty flavor absent from rolled oats. A chewy consistency rather than a consistency of that stuff you used to make paper cut-out pictures in kindergarten.

So while the Scots may not lay claim to all things good and right, at least in terms of oatmeal (and whiskey) the words of Mike Myers ring true.

If it's NOT SCOTTISH! IT'S CRAAP!


1/2 cup steel cut oats
1 tsp butter
1 1/2 cup boiling water
1 apple, chopped
Slivered almonds
Brown sugar

Melt butter in a medium, heavy bottomed saucepan on medium-high heat. When butter starts to froth, add oats and stir until oats are lightly toasted being careful not to burn the oats. If you do burn them you'll have to start over.

When nicely brown add the boiling water to the saucepan and stir. Cook uncovered for one minute then lid and turn off the heat. Let sit for 30 minutes. Don't peek.

While the oatmeal cooks, chop up your apple and the almonds if you don't buy them pre-slivered. Simmer the apples in a small saucepan with a little water until softened.

Top the oats with the apple, a few sprinkled almonds and brown sugar to taste. Given oatmeal's ability to compliment pretty much anything put on it, toppings are only limited to your imagination. Raisins, currents, dried fruits are easy substitutes that don't require cooking. Simmered peaches make great topping. Real maple syrup is a great replacement for the brown sugar. If you'd like, a vegetarian or real sausage patty is a tasty addition.

Serves 2